I just got off the phone with my brother Bernie, who’s walking around, sucking on oxygen and about to be released from the hospital. This is a minor miracle because the personnel at the hospital said they’ve only seen three people survive a heart attack on the golf course. Naturally, that would be where Bernie would have his heart attack because he loves golf and excitement.…
“Be always nice, have a respect, anna remember, de appearanze issa 100 percent.” This was my mom’s recipe for a good life and I heard it daily when I was growing up. She was on to something! …
(Any man reading this, who finds me, even the least bit attractive, should stop reading now. Your bubble will be burst. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.) Two days ago, after my shower, I dared to do something I’m a little afraid to do anymore. I slowly approached the magnifying mirror thinking I might check the state of my eyebrows. It’s one of those tap-three-times-for-the-brightest-light-magnifying-mirrors, and I was…
Pretty much every baker in the United States has a carrot cake recipe. Each one is convinced that hers/his is the absolute best. Clearly, this can’t be true because mine is actually the best. It wasn’t always the best, but I’ve finessed and finessed it and now I’d put it up against anyone’s carrot cake recipe, even Joan, the queen of cakes. (My sister-in-law, Donna is going to…
“If you don’t have a good brain, you better have good legs.” It was one of my dad’s favorite sayings. Every time I backtrack 15 times for something forgotten, I think of him.…
I have now been in this apartment for about 29 days. It’s hard to remember exact numbers because I was between bouts of near-vomiting when I moved, but that’s pretty close. Yet, I am still not completely unpacked and my bedroom looks like it belongs to someone on “Hoarders.” Does it bother me? No, because a hideous dachshund taught me a valuable lesson in my younger days that…
Right up there in Dante’s 9 circles of hell should have been moving. Moving can only be made worse by: 1. Thinking you can save money by renting a truck and moving with a few friends and some guys you heard are pretty good at moving. 2. The “guys” not showing up, and not even calling, even though you call repeatedly, begging for a response.…